My Letter To You Father God | By a Sister in Christ

‘My life is not my own, to You I belong, I give myself so You can use me.’
Well…that’s the aim of who I’d like to be, but in reality it feels like I’m so far from genuinely wanting that; walking in that.
Father, my heart is wicked, impure, even twisted at times. And my mind…well…sometimes I feel like I’m going crazy. The battles, the oppressions, the demonic assaults and imaginations; the impure thoughts I harbour that I desire to come to pass. Yet, You say to me that, “I’m fearfully and wonderfully made”. You constantly cry out to me, longing for me to draw close to You once again. But, just like in Hosea I play the ‘harlot’ every single day! Substituting You for temporary things, thoughts, philosophies and distractions. Though on the outward I hold it together, my inward parts are still faltering. One minute I’m in pursuit of You solely, then next minute I can barely pick up Your word – “oh wretched woman that I am, who can deliver me from this body of sin.”
The good I should do I don’t and that which I shouldn’t do I do – oh the battle of this walk.
This marathon called the Christian life is just that, a steady paced and consistent pursuit of the ‘goal’ – You!
It’s not a sprint; who am I trying to beat?
Not You!…
Not my peers!…
And not my brethren!…
So, why do I get caught up with this idea of a rat race?
So what if I’m not in the same season as others. My life is different. Godliness with contentment is great gain – so You say. But how can I be when I feel like ‘I’m on the shelf’ – alone, unsteady, even confused at times. When I look at my brethren who are married, in their destiny, moving on with someone by their side. When my brethren gets a word and I don’t…am I content really? The heart is wickedly deceitful above all things, allowing lies of the enemy to torment me;
“You’re not good enough”…
“No one likes you”
“Do you really think you can make an impact for God?”…
“Why of course no one would marry you”…
“You’ll always be on the outside looking in”…
Satan’s tactics are always the same, he’s so consistent (and good) at what he does unfortunately. And then, You remind me of how You sent Your first born, Your ‘tithe’, Your ‘first’ for me!
How You’ve conquered sin and the grave – I am no longer a slave! (Unless I choose to be). You are the Alpha and Omega, You know the end from the beginning.
And so, I wait…and wait…for You who has to be, and who is my ‘One and only’.
No spouse, no job, no success, status or impact can replace You – my salvation.

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